The Constant Times is a publication of record for things that probably didn't happen but feel like they should have.

Founded in 2026 by a small team of concerned typographers, the Times is committed to delivering the news with the seriousness it deserves and the fonts to prove it. Our editorial standards are, by all accounts, extremely formatted.

Our Mission

To uphold the grand tradition of institutional journalism by applying it to things that are entirely made up. We believe the public deserves access to high-quality nonsense, presented with appropriate gravitas.

Contact

The Constant Times does not accept unsolicited correspondence, solicited correspondence, or correspondence of any kind. Letters to the editor may be addressed to the void.

All the news that's fit to quantify.