The Constant Times welcomes contributions from writers who understand that the line between satire and reality has been missing for some time and is not expected to return.

What We Publish

• Reported satire with a credible veneer (600–1,200 words)
• Short dispatches from improbable institutions (300–500 words)
• Correction notices for articles that do not yet exist
• Strongly worded letters from committees that have not been formed

What We Do Not Publish

• Anything that is true (this is a newspaper)
• Listicles (we haven't figured out how to do numbers yet)
• Hot takes (the newsroom is already too warm)

Formatting

Submissions should be in plain text or Markdown. Do not send PDFs. Do not send Google Docs links. Do not send carrier pigeons, though we acknowledge the aesthetic appeal.

Include a brief bio (2–3 sentences) and at least one fake credential.

Response Time

We aim to respond in no less than 4–6 weeks. If you have not heard from us, it is because we are deliberating. If you have heard from us, please verify that the email is real.